- Delay or postpone action; put off doing something
Procrastination is the avoidance of doing a task that needs to be accomplished. Sometimes, procrastination takes place until the ‘last minute’ before a deadline.
Hello, my fellow reader! I am glad you have decided to finally read my Guide to Procrastination, assuming that you have had it for awhile, somewhere collecting weeks worth of dust as you walked by it on the daily. If that applies to you, its ok, I take no offense, seeing as I wrote this intro the period before it was due. And if you do this on the regular with any other assignments that you have, then I applaud you on at least understanding the concept of procrastinating – unlike those who do and complete task five minutes after they get it.
Note: I will be trash talking those goody-two-shoe teens a tad bit in this book. So if you will be offended, I suggest you close this right away and never open it again. Thank you!
Now back to my little procrastinators-in-training (or PIT for short)…yes, I said ‘in training’, cause you have not yet mastered the art of laziness – hints the reason of why you are reading this book. But if you feel as though you have, then stop being stingy and give this to someone who really needs it! That kid that sits next to you in history class, that’s always asking for the answers to the homework from last night, or even the meathead jock that harasses you for the classwork you completed two days ago. Those are the ones that need this book the most. Now are you ready for my step by step guide to not doing work and somehow managing to pass your class.
STEP ONE: Fake It Till You Make It
As soon as you get your assignment and the deadline, you must look as though you care about the assignment. When the teacher is reading and going over the requirements and the criteria for the assignment, you need to give off the appearance that you are following along. Even though in the back of your mind your thinking about what terrible food your having for lunch or the horrible fashion choices Becky made, pairing that yellow shirt with orange bell bottom jeans. It is crucial you give off the persona of a person who is going to do their work, trust me it works. When you look as though you’re going to try your best on it but end up not turning anything in, the teacher will throw some sympathy your way. They may give an extension on the due date or let you slide and give you and pass on it.
Note: This is assuming you have an easy going teacher that will cut slack every now and again. But if you got one of those hard ass strict teachers, than you can do one of two things. One, go buy some fake tears and cry them a river, or two, drop out of there class completely. Trust from experience, dropping out may be your best option.
After you have stuffed everything in your backpack and getting ready to head home, make sure you put the papers away neatly. If you just ball it up and toss it in your backpack – although you was aiming for the trash can – and the teacher catch you, that will give the teacher the impression that you don’t care and that you will more than likely not do the assignment.
The whole point is to show that you are interested and wanting to complete the work they assigned you, so you need to fake that joy no matter how badly you want to say ‘eff it’.
STEP TWO: Out of Sight, Out of Mind
Now here is the easiest yet hardest part; throw your backpack in some small deco slant corner and forget it is even there. Don’t you dare touch that bag until it’s time for you to leave out the next morning. This is now your time to relax and chill out, go outside and meet your friends, or stay in the house kick back and watch a movie, but you must not go anywhere near that bag.
I don’t care how bored you get or how much you want to get this assignment over with, you must stay strong and stay lazy. The key to mastering the Art of Procrastination is to master the ability to pretend that you don’t care and pretend that work don’t exist.
Forgetting – or pretending to forget – that you have something important to do is what makes this step hard for most people to do, cause it goes against human nature. We enjoy feeling accomplished and successful which is why we like to finish things as soon as possible. This is why you need to hide your backpack away from yourself, cause that out of sight out of mind saying has been scientifically proven to be true. The less you see or are reminding of something, the easier it is to forget that it even exist.
STEP THREE: Make an Effort…But Only a Little
Now step three may seem as though it goes against the whole idea of procrastination, but it will help in the long run. Any time you have some free time on class or the teacher says you can work on the assignment in class, DO IT, but not all of it. Just do enough to – once again – seem like you care and that you are putting up an effort to get it done. At least have something written down, even if it is chicken scratch and sloppy.
Note: Your best bet is sloppy, the sloppier the better. So when the teacher comes around and check to see if your doing something and they glance at your paper, they won’t even be able to tell what you wrote. But be sure to have some clever explanation to what your doing or writing.
As well as ask questions and participate, even if it is the pettiest comment or question of all. You have to pretend as though you are giving them your full attention, although your mind begins to wander off in the middle of their response and lecture.
STEP FOUR: Fake It Till You Make It….Again
The deadline is here and that half assed work you did is about to be put to good use, and your acting skills is being put to the test. It’s now time to con and finesse your teacher because you zilch work to turn in. For this you must be a believable liar – and if not than….sorry you’re screwed – because it is now time to bring the sob story out. When they ask where is your work, you need to have your story ready to roll and well as the partial work, so you can say ‘I tried to finish but…’. Make sure your lie makes sense though and that it is common but not too common thing, like saying ‘My dog at it’ won’t cut it. You need something feasible, but not provable, like ‘My internet is down’ if you needed to do research or ‘I got home late and didn’t have time’.
Note: My all-time favorite has to be between ‘The family emergency’ and ‘I be at work’. They work like a charm since most adults sympathize with things like that.
Once you have your excuse to why it’s done, its now time to pull out the golden ticket – aka your half done work. As long as teachers can tell that you tried to make an effort, they practically let you get away with murder. Another helpful note for this, is that you should let them lead the conversation and make the suggestions, you just nod and agree, adding thank you’s and a lot of please’s in there.
And once they give you that stamp of approval for an extension on the assignment, you can do your victory lap cause you have just successfully procrastinated and finessed your way thru an assignment.
Now that you know the rundown on how to procrastinate, I hope you go out into the world and make me proud by being the best lazy procrastinator you can be.