Unpacking My Emotional Suitcase by Nymaurié Cowles

Do you know how it feels when your heart races faster than any NASCAR driver or when your breath stops and the weight of the universe crushes your very existence? How do you survive after picturing your family disowning and verbally assaulting you? I cannot speak for your actions but I can tell you about mine.

I remember talking to my cousin who is a year older than me over the phone. My cousin, Myron told me after I got done crying for about five minutes that, “ If someone doesn’t accept and love you for you, f**k them they don’t deserve your tears not your time. As long as you love and accept yourself that’s all that matters because self love is the best love.” After our conversation I was more open with my sexuality in certain places and situations. While I was around family members that didn’t know about my sexuality I still hid who I truly was out of fear for their reactions. I had to sit through the constant discussions on women when around some cousins and uncles, I was often asked “Do you have a girlfriend?” Or “When are you gonna get a girlfriend?” I had to keep my composure and my thoughts to myself when my family would berate those that like the same sex. Close to the end of freshman year I came out to my mother and it was one of the most hardest things ever even though her best friend who is my godfather is gay, but I’m her child she carried and nurtured me for nine months and raised me spending her money and time on me. How would she react? Will she kick me out for being gay? Will she treat me how others treat me by calling me a “f**ing faggot”? After coming out to her she took a while to process everything but she told me she will forever love me because I am her child.

Anyone who knows the pain and discomfort of coming out knows that at that very moment and with those few but powerful words it can change your entire life, how you perceive the world, and how others perceive you. For me coming out as gay was something I thought I was ready for but no one can truly predict their thoughts, feelings and actions for any moment that has not come yet. Everyone can say how they WANT to feel and how they SHOULD feel but how they WILL feel can not be determined until said person confesses to themselves and is strong enough mentally and emotionally to stand their ground and let the world know who they love and doesn’t back down from what anyone has to say to them because no one’s opinions matters.

As I was laying in my bed underneath my slightly opened window with a small but chilling breeze brushing against my skin. It’s December 31st, 2017 11:50 pm and I just finished typing the most emotional and heart wrenching paragraph I have ever written in my life. With a broken down face and my body shaking to the rhythm of an earthquake I hear a knock at my door which sounded like the cops ready to burst in and arrest me for my crimes against humanity but in reality it was my little sister coming to give me pizza, I quickly got myself together and allowed her to enter she gave me my pizza and rushed out to continue to watch her tv show. It’s now 11:59 pm and I’m on the brink of passing out my breath has completely stopped and my heart is laying on the large comforter in front of me. It’s 12:00 am I push “Post” and I cry a river of tears and I feel empty until I get a notification that my aunt commented on my post. The only thoughts in my head are, “What did she say?”, “Is her comment gonna break me?”, or “Will I have to cuss my own aunt out because she chose that she can’t love or accept me?” A few seconds pass and the weight of worlds lifted as I read, “I love you and I’m so proud of you!! Whatever you face, good or bad…only accept what’s beneficial to you! We got you!!” It’s 12:02 am January 1st, 2018 I can finally breathe again and I finally came out to all of my friends and family.

MY COMING OUT POST:
Attention all family and friends it is officially 2018 a new year full of new beginnings and happiness and one way for me to be happy is to finally be honest with everyone and be myself and that is why I would like to tell all of my Facebook friends and family that I am a proud gay man and that’s who I am and will always be. Please keep rude comments to yourself and I’m sorry if you don’t not accept me for who I am but at the end of the day I accept me and I love myself and I have so many people that love me for who I am.

 

 

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